Disclaimer: Once again, I don’t own any of Tolkiens characters. Chase and Lori are imaginary. Blah, blah, blah….

ChapterTwo:
The Interviews

“Hello, and welcome to our second episode of The Bachelorette,” Lori said, holding a microphone.
“This week we’ll be interviewing our bachelors, and the bachelorette after their first night in the Golden Hall,” Chase said. “We’ll be back right after these messages.”
Chase put her microphone down as soon as the camera turned off. “Okay, who’s interviewing who?”
Lori looked through her schedule. “Well, I get…. Boromir, Elrond, Gollum, Sam, and—ugh— Denethor.”
“Then I get…..” Chase said hopefully, scanning her cards.
“Actually, Chase, I get Aragorn.”
“Darn it!”
“You can interview Eowyn though.”
“Eowyn isn’t a Ranger,” Chase pouted, folding her arms over her chest.
“She’s got a cool sword, Chase.”
Chase brightened and sat up. “Do you think she’d let me see it?”
“I doubt it. But hey, you can still try.”
“That I will.”

“So, Denethor, tell me about yourself,” Lori said with a fake smile.
Denethor smiled, showing a row of yellowed teeth. “Well, I love hosting barbeques… Have I told you about my son? Let me tell you about my son!”
Lori moaned and dropped her head into her hand. “This is going to be a long day….”

“Pippin, how do you feel about—”
“Mushrooms?” said the hobbit, sitting up. “I love mushrooms! You can eat that at any meal. Like elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, sup—”
“Pippin,” Chase said, quieting him. “I meant, how do you feel about Eowyn?”
Pippin blinked. “Who?”
“Eowyn. You know, the bachelorette. Do you see a relationship between the two of you?”
“Oh, the cooking lady? I like cooking ladies. Does she like mushrooms? I’ll have to ask… I like mushrooms in—”
“Thank you for your time, Pippin,” said Chase.
“But I wasn’t done y—”
“Next!” Chase called.
In pranced Legolas, and took a seat gracefully. “Mae govannen.”
“Uh… yeah. What you said,” Chase replied, looking through her notes. “So… what do you think about Eowyn?”
“Ai, she is lovely,” Legolas said. “Lovely as the stars shining in the sky, glinting like a crown above the Golden Wood, where the Lady rules and all is fair and beautiful, kept in her grace to live on forever until at last the Morning departs and fades into the West, leaving behind her a mournful land, grieving the loss of that which is fairest.” He took a breath. “And then the Wood shall fade. Alas for fair Lothlorien and all within that they should have to linger on after such a loss. This earth shall never again behold one with such light, and all shall fall into Shadow, and the memory of the morn shall fade into a dark grey smudge, hanging in the sky above the Sea, across which the grey ships sail, bearing the last remnant of the elves of this earth over to the Island, where all shall be green and fair forever, where the voices of my people shall not fade but sing on for ever and eternity.”
Chase blinked. “Um, are you done?”
Legolas sat back. “That depends.”
“Depends on what?” Chase then cringed realizing she had opened the door for him to go on. He did.
“It depends on whether or not you want to good things on this earth to end. But whether you want it or not, I suppose all comes to an end. Yes, all, both good and dark, come to an end. Save my people. Nay, my people never end. They shall go on and on and on and on and on and on forever until at last all is lost to them, and they are no longer the merry folk they once were, long ago, ages before your time. My wood, perhaps, is not all faded quite yet, though. Yes, my people have not all forgot the merrier days. They dance and sing still, until at last the will to sing and dance is all lost, and, torn in between their home the fairer places beyond this world, they shall at last leave these shores and travel to Lost Isle, where my people await the elves that dared to linger here. Which reminds me f an incredibly long song, forgotten ages ago by the people of this earth, remembered only in part, which is still extremely long. It goes as such—”
“Yeah, that’s nice,” Chase interrupted. “Listen, can we get on with it? We don’t have all the time in the world.”
“You may not, but I do,” Legolas said. “I have all the time, not only in this world but—”
“Next!” Chase shouted.
“Noooo, preciouss! Let usss go! Let usss go!!”
Lori winced as they dragged the squirming creature and set him back in his chair.
“The lightses! They hurts us, preciousss!” Gollum hissed. “Burnses our eyes, they does. Let uss go!”
“Gollum…. Gollum, calm down please,” Lori said soothingly. “This will just take a few moments. Please be good…. Sméagol.”
Gollum blinked up at her with suddenly mournful eyes. “Smeagol? Smeagol will be good! We swears on—”
“Moving on…. How’s life in the Golden Hall?”
Gollum glared. “The sstupid fat hobbit roommate of mine won’t stop with his po-ta-toes business. Always yelling at poor Smeagol. Calling him bad…. calling us a tricksy liar.” Suddenly, the creature’s eyes changed.
“You are a tricksy liar! Murderer.”
Smeagol planted his hands over his ears. “No! No! Leave us alone!”
“….Throttle him in your sleep. Be rid of the sstupid fat hobbit!”
“No. To risky, too risky….”
Lori pushed her fingertips into her temple, wondering how ChaseÂ’s interviews were going.

“…. and what are your hobbies?” Chase asked, trying not to make a disgusted face at the Uruk-hai sitting before her and the stench filling the room.
“Well,” he said, “it’s believed that I only enjoy chasing Halflings, killing Men, and taking orders from Sharkey, but I really have other interests.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. In fact, I quite enjoy going on long scenic walks, picking flowers, writing poetry and other such things. I was probably misunderstood by that man earlier. I only asked to read him a bit of poetry, but he took off. I really don’t understand…. Is it just me, or is he a bit skittish?”
Chase blinked. “Um, it’s you.”
Lurtz sighed dejectedly. “I thought so. I keep trying to get on those makeover shows, but no one will take me. I always chase them away…” He wiped at a tear brimming in his cat-like eye. “Everyone’s only concerned on looks these days. They won’t take the time to see what’s inside. They see me and immediately assume I’m a horrible creature out to tear out their innards, squish them into jelly, and eat them for breakfast. I just wish they would see the real me, you know?”
Chase nodded, looking at Lurtz, who barely fit in the chair provided. “I know,” she said. “I know what you mean. Just the other day…”

“So, Boromir, if you don’t mind telling me, what was it like being dead and all?” Lori asked the shaking man.
“Dead?” He said quietly. “Dead?! DEAD??” He rose to his feet. “You want me to tell you what it was like being dead?!”
“Uh, never mind,” said Lori quickly. “What about—”
“How no one ever listens to me? I told them we should use it! I did!” He waved his arms. “But did they listen to Boromir? Nooo. Nobody listens to Boromir. Just because he’s man of Gondor, to which Isildur gave the bad reputation of corruptedness, means I want to take over the world! Ha! I would never dream of such. Only kicking Sauron off his throne and defeating the forces of Mordor.”
“Uh, listen….” Lori said. “Sauron is gone. The Ring is gone too. They destroyed it, okay?”
“They destroyed it?!” Boromir shouted. “I told them not to! But did they listen to Boromir? Nooo. Nobody listens to Boromir. Just because he’s man of Gondor, to which Isildur gave the bad reputation of corruptedness, means I want to take over the world!”
‘Boromir, you just said that.”
“Did I? Or were you not listening? Nobody listens to Boromir. Just because–”
“Next!”
Aragorn swaggered in, flipping his hair and casting a haughty glance at Boromir as he was dragged away by security. He took a seat and blinked at Lori expectantly.
“What?” Lori asked.
“You’re not going to bow?” he said. “You’re supposed to bow in the presence of a king. Off with her head!”
“Aragorn—”
“King Aragorn!”
“Fine. King Aragorn—”
“Bow!”
Lori sighed, stood, and bowed stiffly. “Now, for the first question. What is it like in the Golden Hall with all the other guys?”
“Well, they don’t respect me like they should. I think it’s just because I’m a king and they’re not,” he said, tilting his chin up. “After all, who wouldn’t be jealous of me? I’m the king! Ha!”

“Well, Eowyn, what do you think of everything so far?” asked Chase.
“It’s quite overwhelming, really,” she said. “I mean, being torn between two guys is hard enough…. But now I’ve got ten throwing themselves at my feet! How’s a girl supposed to feel?”
Chase shrugged. “I don’t know. I know nothing about romance.”
Eowyn blinked at her. “And yet you’re producing this show?”
Chase grinned. “Sure am.”
“Did you pick out the contestants?”
“That’s confidential information that you are not authorized to know.”
“You did pick them out! I can’t believe—”
“On to our next question,” Chase cut in. “Who do you see a relationship with?”
“Well,” Eowyn replied. “I really like that Aragorn guy. And I must say Lurtz is a charmer…. And that Frodo’s cute…. Legolas is cute too, but really not my type. And he talks too much.”
“I’ve got to say I agree with you on that one. Now, for the final question.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“Did you bring your sword?”
“Um, yes… why?”
“Can I see it?” Chase asked, her eyes lighting up.
“No.”
“Pleeeease??” She begged, her eyes becoming large and sad, like a one-legged puppy’s.
Eowyn shook her head. “Oh, no. Not the puppy face, please….”
Chase blinked sadly and stuck out her lower lip.
“All right… but just for a minute.”
Chase squealed with delight and stood up. Eowyn handed her a sword carefully, and Chase held it in front of her. “Cool,” she breathed. Then she brandished it, knocking down a light. “Oops.”
Suddenly, Chase tore her gaze away from the sword just in time to see a security guard barreling toward her. He ran into her with force that took her breath away and knocked her down. The whole room was then filled with chaos as everyone shouted madly, wondering what was going on, and if some crazed lunatic had broken into the studio and threatened Eowyn with her own sword.
Chase got up and ran as fast as she could.

Lori heard a high-pitched scream and angry shouts. She looked up to see a blur speeding through the studio, laughing maniacally. “I have it! I have the sword. Ahaha! Wait– Aaaaaaah! Mad security guard! Loriiiiiiiii!!”
Lori moaned. “Chase is the only person crazy enough to do that….” she sighed
A few minutes later after everything had quieted, Lori’s cell phone rang. “Hello?”
“Um, Lori?” came Chase’s voice.
“Yes, Chase?”
“Could you come over here? I’m kind of… well, I need help.”
“Chase, what did you do this time? Where are you?”
“Well, when I pulled out Eowyn’s sword, someone took it as a threat and called security, and then, well, I kind of lost it.”
“The sword?”
“My sanity.”
“Well, where are you?”
Chase cleared her throat. “Uh, well…. prison…”
“Chase?!”
“Could you just come over here and convince them I am the co-host of The Bachelorette? They don’t believe me.”
“All right, fine. I’ll be over in a minute.”
Lori sighed and shook her head as she hung up the phone. She was all too used to situations like this. They came around quite a lot. The last time, though, it had to do with a pellet gun, a runaway squirrel, and a store called the Dish Barn.

All right guys, there you go! Thanks so much for the reviews. Let me know what you think!